At times,i try and assess the ordeals,the very circumstances i have been through lately and i find it rather amazing that according to me,am still very much in my senses.This i don't think can be termed as an remarkable achievement,but if one just comprehends the situations i have been through,One might be pulled to think,likewise
The first remarkable,in the road to sanity was the very fact that,even after being badly hit on the head,in that fateful car accident,that i had to spend the next 2 months sleeping in COMA,but it had no affect on the sane part of the head,even when the doctors had speculated,otherwise
But it sure took a toll on my physical self, as not being able to walk independently,proving to be the biggest curse And being depending on others,just made my case,worse than it is.It feels, just like being on the wheelchair, with just the wheelchair missing Because like in that case,the person sitting just goes, wherever the person,moving the chair takes him,and what the person sitting wishes or wants,makes little sense
The real magnitude of the crisis, was made realized, to me, by the very same people who were ironically,supposed to help me come in terms,with these new catastrophic developments.The whole trend of desertion was started with my girl friend,and then the so many friends,too followed
During this time,have also gone through the phases of acute depression,because of the obvious disappointments with life,and then because of the way people were treating me,but it was ultimately triggered when i knew my girl friend of once, had gotten married.The reason to live,was as insignificant as it could get.No one knows,with what difficulty, i had kept the thoughts to self destruct, at bay
The disability to walk properly is not the only physical challenge ,i have to overcome everyday.Ever felt the annoyance ,when others may not understand what you are trying to say,even after repeated attempts.My voice not being clear meant people never get what i am speaking, even after repeating the same thing many a times,and being a person who likes finding humor in things,it is a joke killer,in you needing to explain what was funny in the thing i just uttered,i lost the ability to express myself well.
I cant say what i want, and friends don't care to read,what i write to express myself.I just hope that people at-least do read what i had to say.There are things i want to just speak out.And moreover i write{infact type} with so much difficulty,the bad eyesight stops me from, even re-checking what i had written,freely
The excuse "i am busy" cannot be debated upon,but not to spend,at the most 10 mins in as many days,to read them cannot ever justified,when someone is trying to express himself and adding to this,the fact that, not being able to hear everything clearly,made speaking on the phone,an annoying experience.So no one to speak, face to face,and nor on the phone.Ya,that is how i have lived these years.Keeping every issue to, myself
Another fact, that as a person i loved sports and really would be actively involved in them,This accident managed to even kill that sportsman in me,because just the mere fact that i could not use my legs,only that was enough to stop me,from doing what i loved,but was bestowed with another reason of really bad vision,which prior to this, was amongst the best,now playing is only in my distant memory
There sure are friends who for namesake want to keep the tag of a 'friend',for whom just remembering that i even exist,is an annual event,to them that justifies the fact, that they are friends.At first,i used to complain,but not many even cared to give it any heed,so then i stopped
These years, the word "my wish" has been totally erased from my dictionary.The last time, i had done anything of my choice, would easily have to be the time before my accident.The thing that has really annoyed me even more,is the fact that i couldn't even act mad,people just took me for granted or just 'taken me for a ride'
Then there have been people who have really hurt me to the very core.And all i could do was "nothing"
Being supportive,in general is a word, people by choice,have erased from their whole being.But there have been numerous occasions where people have criticized me and my actions really badly,.And the helplessness in not being able to express well,when i was being criticized and asked questions again and again.That feeling cant be expressed in mere words
I count myself in the category of over responsible people,and it hurts to just have to give a blind eye,when my parents have to do the household chores or any other things that needs to be done.Because i can't do anything,even if i wanted
But the most amazing thing about this whole experiences is,in just 2 more months,i will be completing 5 full years of these very tormenting ordeals.Its 5 years of just pure mental torture,where i couldn't even cry out, in pain,for the fear of being spotted by my parents,and that in turn getting them all worried too.I just sit in one place for hours.The chair being the prison cell and my home being the prison.Months on end,i dont even set a foot outside my home
The very fact that,i never even had anyone to even speak to,just has added to the amount of frustration in me, many folds.
But the biggest achievement, according to me is,i have still managed to smile,giving the whole happy feel to my whole being.In-fact i can make others smile or laugh,if only one would listen and understand what i said
Sanity,surely must be a mind over matter experience,which can only justify me being totally upbeat,when the reasons,i should be otherwise are,many
The main physical salvation came from the support of my family,and the very few individual friends who have been there,if i needed things,especially my parents who have tried to help me out,all the time and also my workplace,wipro BPO..
The ability to accept and adjust,quickly helped.I don't really prefer the things, i do to spend time,but knowing there is no way around it,i have to make an effort to start liking what i do.Spending time,being isolated,not the easiest to do.But have spent 5 years,that is a big deal
And after realizing people were behaving badly, because they wanted me to suffer or may be to perish or may be believing the fact that i will never be able to come back to normal life,ever again,But it ironically was having the reverse effect,The will to live,just increased
The ability to soak up the pains,and not letting it get transferred,is something i am glad to have been able to achieve...
.
GOD has been kind to me,the sufferings i take, as a part of life.I don't see anything now,as a thing lost ,but i rather would want to take it as something i have gained.Learning about LIFE,no minuscule achievement,afterall...:)
