WALK, I WILL ! !

Walking,is a task much complex and complicated,than it might seem.We don't remember the true difficulties,pertaining to learning it,for it is a skill that most might have learnt,when they would have been too young, to remember.At-least I didn't

If you think about the task of walking,you will realize what I mean.THE TASK OF WALKING..involves first in seeing where you want to go,then study the way to get there,then send that information to the brain,the brain then processes this information,and directs each leg to accordingly to follow its direction and constantly taking the feedback from the eyes,there is another very important aspect involved,all the while,we know it as,balance.Which is so very  important in the whole process of walking,and that too is handled by the brain

Before 5 years, I myself hadn't known of this complexities,of walking.But it all changed after me having had this accident,and the head which had taken the brunt of the accident,and consequently having had to spend the next 2 months in COMA,and one of the fallouts of such an occurrence was it affected the factors,required for walking including the brain,and since then, walking has been a nightmare

For 5 years,haven't gone out of my house,alone.In short have been dependent on others for the smallest of things,if required to go out of my house.The first of the things I have to do,before asking for help is,to be differentiating the tasks I have to do,into the ones that are absolutely necessary and the ones that I could take care of later,when I could do them all by myself,when am alright.

But the deeds that would make me feel happy,like my wishes to roam,run freely or may to eat things of my choice.The feeling of, to be walking free without any restrictions,wherever I felt like,is only present in my distant memory."WISHES" comes in the absolutely not so necessary category,and something I have done without, these years.

My brain,I reckon was affected in that region which controlled my walk,and all the aspects regarding to it,like balance,coordination and also the region which processes the information from one's sight for walking,and because of it,walking is difficult and adding to it,my left knee has difficulty maintaining,that leg firms while walking.

But I could manage to walk,like everyone,but only for a short period,but if I had to go more than a few steps,like walking outside,I need to hold someone else's shoulder,for balance,and at home,if the distance is more the walls/doors are a very trusted support,to hold on to

The situation,was made worse because of the fact that at home,dad's health was not at its best,and my brother returned from work,late.So,invariably had to be dependent on others.And like they say.One truly can't be happy,if he is dependent on someone,for anything.But only in the first year after my accident,I  realized that,99% of the people I thought,could be counted on,had changed .And learnt"people/friends change with situations"

So,entirely had to be dependent on the very few good souls,around.And,didn't want to over-burden,them, who were willing to help.

I know another fact now,all too well,for every small deed one needs to do,they need to move around,freely.And it is feeling of freedom ,without which nothing could ever make sense

The past memories,of being able to walk without looking to hold on,to anything,has been a feeling worth,going to any lengths to re-achieving that state again http://youtu.be/O-5h3vf_UQs {this although a small college show,but some fond memories}

And for a long time I have wanted to go for walks,not because anyone was asking me to,but because I wanted to be out of this misery,as soon as possible.In-fact if I had my wish,I wanted to go for jogs,in some nearby playground,by my place.But,then again I would have had to be dependent on others,and that would have caused others inconvenience,if at all anyone was willing to help

So,I could think of only one substitute to this.To get a threadmill and walk on it,where only my will was needed.And accordingly could get one,a month back,and have been walking on it,but as my balance was an issue,could only walk,holding on the support handles.But,had walked so much that I lost 9 kilograms,and after a month of walking holding the support handles

But I realized that,if I ever had to walk with freedom and alone,then I would have to learn walking without holding on to the support handles.Describing my first attempts  walking,not holding the support handles,the first step with the right foot was relatively easy,as it involved,just the will to move forward,but the second step with the left foot,was not that easy,it required me in first having to give my foot a command to move forward,then when the weight on the body had to be put on the knee,there is a significant discomfort felt on my knees,and also with the balance part missing.The whole process is not a welcome one

But this repeated ordeal with every step,is no doubt a pain,but giving up would just mean,accepting defeat.And that is not an accepted option. So,better walk-walk and finally walk,free as WALK, I WILL ! !

UNEVENTFULL Y FRUITFUL 5 years

The day "7th june 2006", got etched into my whole being,rather unwillingly.It's the day I like to remember as the day of my re-birth.Some say it was just a miracle,that i was saved,after that fateful accident of mine.Well,I like to remember the day,as the day,which brought transformation,one which took my life in utter darkness,but also helping me,to elevate myself as a person ..in more ways than one

These years,have not been easy,that i will enjoy, remembering.Going from the shocked & miserable state i was in,to the subsequent state of depression for the next 2 years,but the 4th year saw me having an unusual resolve,to see the end of this,which lead me, to the path of self- resurrection,that to me,has been the turning points in my life.

These years have been very uneventful,but it has presented me with an opportunity to grow.So even if the person "deepak" degraded,the human in "deepak",just was getting upgraded.There was a drastic change,in my whole perspective, of how i saw things and situations.Had to deal with some very difficult situations,by myself,all the while, trying to give my best,.But I realize,these experiences were helping me,to grow

Overcoming the challenges,which was presented to me,as a 23 year old boy,whose active life,came to a standstill,and then being abandoned by most of his peers,and adding to the hardships,then not being able to walk his way outside his house and that its a pain,not having basic freedom,as without it,nothing ever can make sense.But I have spent the past 5 years of this life,still unrelenting and also with a smile,most of the time

Remember coming to consciousness after spending,those 2 months in COMA.Not even having the energy to open the eye lids,or move my limbs.Surely have made advancements,many folds especially considering how bad I was,I see this new lease of life,as a gift,The gift of LIFE

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THE ABOVE CONTENT WAS WRITTEN BEFORE 7th & this,now..

Being a person,who believes in looking for reasons to celebrate life,and sharing them with people.For sharing them, brings the sole happiness,i may get to have, now.But i never felt like sharing this information with anyone,on that day,nor felt happy,that I have managed to endure these years,of a very tough life,relatively well.Subsequently there was no update on "facebook",which I used to every year ,or felt like completing the blog,i was working on

It sure was a big milestone for me,but for a mental breakdown.When it dawned on me that 5 years have gone by,but am still nowhere,and continuing being at the mercy of others,for the smallest of things.Its a pain,living on others terms,more-so to a person,who never liked to be dependent,for any thing

But having spent 5 uncomfortable years,with no respite in sight.The thought that, how many more,being dependent?.Which arguably,has been the toughest ordeal,I have had to put up with,now.It's people, and not the difficult,circumstances that has given me a tougher deal,now..I reckon the overwhelming belief that "the fall,that I had" being very bad,and the possibility that I could never come out of it,must have made people treat me as expendable

These 5 years have been a struggle,every single day,right from the time,of having had woken-up from bed.The task of seeing through the 24 hours in the day,for the past 5 years, was not something I would even wish thinking about,but knowing that I would have to be spending many more,of them.Brought brakes to the lively self,of mine.During this while,I lost interest in how I handled things,didn't have the will to act,but just to react,to the way others would have expected me to

As I personally never want anyone to be worried for me,more-so my parents.But it gets difficult,having to deal with these thoughts alone,how much ever one tries to maintain his composure.But,with time have learnt to separate the emotional breakdown,from the mental breakdown,knowing an emotional breakdown would have transformed my whole self to a sad,negative soul.Which would have been a total contrast from my normal self.

But to be giving out a sense to others that everything was alright with me,I had to create a false belief in my mind,that everything was alright with me,before responding to anyone.But in reality, I was all messed up and disturbed,inside.And from the past I have known the implications of an emotional breakdown,on the people around, who care for me,especially on my parents.So,this seemed a better solution

The only comfort,came knowing the fact that, I have,had to deal with similar breakdowns,in the not so distant past.And known the key in handling these kind of situations is,not to dwell on them.Knowing that the disturbed state,will fade off,with time

But in the meantime,could get my hands on a motorized threadmill,which really has proved an asset,to get all these negative feelings into, me walking,without having to look for anyone for help,to walk,and now I walk at

1km/hr for 20 min{thrice a day}-learning to walk all over again &
6 km/hr for 15min, then decrease to 5.6 km/hr for 15 min{lowering the speed ,because the kneel,on which I have issues with,gets too tired to go on}

 

And the past few weeks,have been working on my walk,so much,that I have lost 7 kilograms,which is a testimony to my efforts.But the frustration and anger, with the way I have been treated,makes me push more,for I want this ordeal to end as soon as possible,to make my, LIFE,a real PLEASURE....

                                                                  - LOVE LIFE

NOT a PAIN

Many,have a habit of complaining about the little shortcomings in their lives,if ever they are asked about their life.Complaining about how boring or monotonous, their life has got,or just whining about the petty happenings,in their daily lives,for it might seem a pain,to them.

But the pains or the complains,they might be mentioning,is actually something,i would love to be,enduring So,.whenever i am ever confronted with this remark,I simply,react,with a smile.

The other reason for my  gesture,could be better understood,with my perspective,that i like to see things in the broader context that,"It could have been, a lot,worse"Personally my life,after my accident,has been a tough one,where the words monotonous and boring,would just be an understatement,to describe it .But i seldom, or never whine about it,rather if asked, would just reply,am good or great

My life would be far from,even being normal,But my reply,is because of my true understanding of this fact.And ,it stops me from complaining about my life,even when in reality, it must be totally opposite

The only time i may have felt complaining about life,was more than 3-4  years ago,but then i was really reeling in the effects of acute depression,as an aftermath to my accident,That was also the phase, where nothing made sense,and just tried to find reasons to be unhappy about,.But now,when those effects have faded off,I no more look for reasons,to be unhappy,but on the contrary, to be happy, and smile

My new perspective,is greatly influenced by what I have seen,in the not so distant past,in my life,.But,majorly because of the realization that,things could have been a lot worse

Which,according to me,if one truly applies this understanding,to their lives,Then one could also be more appreciative,of the very-very small things or achievements,in our lives,that we choose to oversee,For we might see them as a gift

This is also the reason,I don't curse the fact, that I have to put up with this very  tough & difficult ordeals, on a daily basis,.or for the so many frustrations i have within me,for these past 5 years.Because,i have embraced this reasoning,to the heart,and see the troubles as a gift

When one is more appreciative of the pains in one's life,and may see them as a gift,Life,would seem more joyous,than it ever was

And from my faint memories,of my normal LIFE.I know,it is not an experience worth, missing..:)

                                                                  - LOVE LIFE

ROAD to SANITY...:)

At times,i try and assess the ordeals,the very circumstances i have been through lately and i find it rather amazing that according to me,am still very much in my senses.This i don't think can be termed as an remarkable achievement,but if one just comprehends the situations i have been through,One might be pulled to think,likewise

The first remarkable,in the road to sanity was the very fact that,even after being badly hit on the head,in that fateful car accident,that i had to spend the next 2 months sleeping in COMA,but it had no affect on the sane part of the head,even when the doctors had speculated,otherwise

But it sure took a toll on my physical self, as not being able to walk independently,proving to be the biggest curse And being depending on others,just made my case,worse than it is.It feels, just like being on the wheelchair, with just the wheelchair missing Because like in that case,the person sitting just goes, wherever the person,moving the chair takes him,and what the person sitting wishes or wants,makes little sense

The real magnitude of the crisis, was made realized, to me, by the very same people who were ironically,supposed to help me come in terms,with these new catastrophic developments.The whole trend of desertion was started with my girl friend,and then the so many friends,too followed

During this time,have also gone through the phases of acute depression,because of the obvious disappointments with life,and then because of the way people were treating me,but it was ultimately triggered when i knew my girl friend of once, had gotten married.The reason to live,was as insignificant as it could get.No one knows,with what difficulty, i had kept the thoughts to self destruct, at bay

The disability to walk properly is not the only physical challenge ,i have to overcome everyday.Ever felt the annoyance ,when others may not understand what you are trying to say,even after repeated attempts.My voice not being clear meant people never get what i am speaking, even after repeating the same thing many a times,and being a person who likes finding humor in things,it is a joke killer,in you needing to explain what was funny in the thing i just uttered,i lost the ability to express myself well.

I cant say what i want, and friends don't care to read,what i write to express myself.I just hope that people at-least do read what i had to say.There are things i want to just speak out.And moreover i write{infact type} with so much difficulty,the bad eyesight stops me from, even re-checking what i had written,freely

The excuse "i am busy" cannot be debated upon,but not to spend,at the most 10 mins in as many days,to read them cannot ever justified,when someone is trying to express himself and adding to this,the fact that, not being able to hear everything clearly,made speaking on the phone,an annoying experience.So no one to speak, face to face,and nor on the phone.Ya,that is how i have lived these years.Keeping every issue to, myself

Another fact, that as a person i loved sports and really would be actively involved in them,This accident managed to even kill that sportsman in me,because just the mere fact that i could not use my legs,only that was  enough to stop me,from doing what i loved,but was bestowed with another reason of really bad vision,which prior to this, was amongst the best,now playing is only in my distant memory

There sure are friends who for namesake want to keep the tag of a 'friend',for whom just remembering that i even exist,is an annual event,to them that justifies the fact, that they are friends.At first,i used to complain,but not many even cared to give it any heed,so then i stopped

These years, the word "my wish" has been totally erased from my dictionary.The last time, i had done anything of my choice, would easily have to be the time before my accident.The thing that has really annoyed me even more,is the fact that i couldn't even act mad,people just took me for granted or just 'taken me for a ride'

Then there have been people who have really hurt me to the very core.And all i could do was "nothing"

Being supportive,in general is a word, people by choice,have erased from their whole being.But there have been numerous occasions where people have criticized me and my actions really badly,.And the helplessness in not being able to express well,when i was being criticized and asked questions again and again.That feeling cant be expressed in mere words

I count myself in the category of over responsible people,and it hurts to just have to give a blind eye,when my parents have to do the household chores or any other things that needs to be done.Because i can't do anything,even if i wanted

But the most amazing thing about this whole experiences is,in just 2 more months,i will be completing 5 full years of these very tormenting ordeals.Its 5 years of just pure mental torture,where i couldn't even cry out, in pain,for the fear of being spotted by my parents,and that in turn getting them all worried too.I just sit in one place for hours.The chair being the prison cell and my home being the prison.Months on end,i dont even set a foot outside my home

The very fact that,i never even had anyone to even speak to,just has added to the amount of frustration in me, many folds.

But the biggest achievement, according to me is,i have still managed to smile,giving the whole happy feel to my whole being.In-fact i can make others smile or laugh,if only one would listen and understand what i said

Sanity,surely must be a mind over matter experience,which can only justify me being totally upbeat,when the reasons,i should be otherwise are,many

The main physical salvation came from the support of my family,and the very few individual friends who have been there,if i needed things,especially my parents who have tried to help me out,all the time and also my workplace,wipro BPO..

The ability to accept and adjust,quickly helped.I don't really prefer the things, i do to spend time,but knowing there is no way around it,i have to make an effort to start liking what i do.Spending time,being isolated,not the easiest to do.But have spent 5 years,that is a big deal

And after realizing people were behaving badly, because they wanted me to suffer or may be to perish or may be believing the fact that i will never be able to come back to normal life,ever again,But it ironically was having the reverse effect,The will to live,just increased

The ability to soak up the pains,and not letting it get transferred,is something i am glad to have been able to achieve...
.
GOD has been kind to me,the sufferings i take, as a part of life.I don't see anything now,as a thing lost ,but i rather would want to take it as something i have gained.Learning about LIFE,no minuscule achievement,afterall...:)

UNCREDITED

We humans are showered with many blessings.That we choose, not to give the right importance to some of them

The basic requirement for anyone,to truly be happy is his fulfillment of these,blessings.Otherwise,happiness will just remain a figurative word.But its only when one loses any of these blessings,does one really understand the real importance of them

Like if you ask me which of these blessings is the most important one?.My answer would be the ability to move around freely and it is not only because i can't, but according to me, it facilitates one of the very key aspects we need in our lives, FREEDOM{sure do miss other blessings,but this even more}.Because the ability to move around,and do things the way,one chooses,that according to me is a BIGGER thing, than it seems

Because at good times,i don't think many give it the importance,it rightly deserves.Something i too had never given much heed to when everything was going right..But now,there is not a moment when i wish,i could

For,its the ability to move around freely,that gives us a sense of freedom,and every activity however small, requires us to.A fact that i got well aware off,now after my accident.When for hours on end,i have to be seated at one place.And being confined at home the past 5 years for the whole time,makes me wish,even more

Many of the prior blessings were compromised in that fateful accident,that the initial blessings then turned into a difficulty and a challenge,to live with.

These years, have only done things,being dependent on others,and it is not a feeling the self within,would wanna live,forever.Because i have tasted freedom,and there is nothing like it .Remember the time i could go anywhere,could do things,when i felt like.

Sure, this is one of the most precious of the blessings.can't wait to be blessed,again..

                                                      - HEART SPEAKER 

SANDS of TIME

Have always remembered,seeing him amidst people,all the time.Actively involved in the thick of things.Surely someone, always on the move

But today,when i look at him,he seems so unlike the person i had known him to be.For whenever i look at him he is always,home all the time,sitting at one place for hours at a stretch.The things that have transpired over the years with him,can vaguely be justified as a simple LIFE transforming experience.

Though it must be common for people to be undergoing changes in some of their perspective of life,after having gone through some really testing experiences,like for him it came about,in the form of the accident...But the difference is,his ordeal still continues even after this long,.Just 3  months,falling short of  completing,5 years of his ordeal ,and that being a good part of his life.For he was just of 23 years,when he got involved in this misfortune

But ask him,how he would describe this experience, and the reply would be  "unfortunate","sad"&"glad".Well, am certain of his reply,for i am that person,in this context

And all this while,when my physical self was taking a real beating,and because of it,he had to endure the difficulties,which would reveal itself, at every step(not just literally).But its only now that i realize that life,was getting me inured with the constant bad experiences and the lessons and the things pertaining to it..

The accident happened,for no fault of mine.My life was spoilt,but couldn't have left it,at that,had to move on,for i was no LOSER
LESSON -LIFE is very un-predictable,at times it  will terribly go wrong,.And when it does,accept it,and deal with it

At home for the past almost 5 years,with no freedom to eat what,when you feel like or do things your way or to be going places of your choice,and 5 years is a long time,to be staying devoid of these basic things
LESSON - Value the small things,we take for granted and at the same time was learning PATIENCE

People close,having left me at a very crucial juncture,in my life,which left me bogged down,for a long time
LESSON - Don't be dependent on,unworthy people

Not many were there,when i truly needed.And because of the select few,have survived these years
LESSON - people who talk,like they care for you.They may not even care,if you are around or not.Know your true friends and live for them

Been nice all my life and thought,had friends,who cared.But only now do i know,there were a lot of pretenders
LESSON - Never pretend,atleast i won't,never and ever

People,have and had been treating me very badly these years,but have again and again met them with a smile.Being at the receiving end of fate,there is no room for ones true feelings
LESSON - FORGIVENESS

Only parents being around all the time at my, worst
LESSON -Parents,only be there by you,whatever the situation must be,the rest may keep varying,Know their importance and live for them

Seen the concern on people's faces,when i used to say the true pains and difficulties..
LESSON  - Soak your pain,no point in getting others feel sad,because of it

People seldom have said that i was doing good,but the self belief that i was, and could see off this phase,has helped me spend the time from my accident on{ 7th june 2006 - till now} in miseries,with a great spirit and keeping the true essence of my personal self intact,and according to me adding more energy,life and vibrance
LESSON - Self belief, a great tool

Was really helpless..beyond description
LESSON -always help,the helpless

Expecting favors from others,and just gaining disappointment
LESSON - Never expect

These years have only,thrived on favors.,from others.And an important thing about favors is,you don't have a BIG say in the way it is done.Was just thankful,its been done
LESSON -Adjusting to situations,and be appreciative.

Seeing life is,in the real darkness and being miserable and helpless
LESSON - feel for others pain,and  not just feel,do something to ease that pain

Constantly have been seeing,a lot survival tale documentaries,and have seen people's life ending in a positive and happy way
LESSON - Time's change

And the culmination of my years of suffering,have resulted in, me loving LIFE, cherishing the small things that life has to offer,possessing more humane qualities and many-many more,unmentioned qualities..And this transcended self is just waiting to,LEAP.......


THE ULTIMATE LESSON -
         LIFE IS A GREAT EXPERIENCE , SO LIVE IT....


                                                      - HEART SPEAKER

The incomplete. MIRACLE

In the modern world,one may not often directly believe in Miracles,but may only reckon its existence,by the circumstantial aspect of things.Well being a survivor of a near fatal accident,after which the doctors having seen a very less possibility of me making through with life,and making through with memory even grimmer

Well,i am still here,and if i say that "the memory is so great, that i often remind others of the very old instances,which even they might have forgotten,.Then one would at-least consider, if not be compelled to believe that there sure is something unexplainable,and miracle would often be a term we  refer it as

But unlike the popular belief that being a person blessed with a miracle,I would have been a happy soul,ever since ,but being happy about it just remains a technical feeling that i should be having,but in reality it has often felt more a curse than a blessing,YET.And one of the first reason's why that is the case, is i guess because,i just have a life{in the real sense} but no life{in the figurative sense}

Don't want to be sounding ungrateful for the gift,i was bestowed with.But can life be fun without freedom?.And won't you miss anything even more,if you knew what having it,feels like but at present you have none.But to realize the gravity of the thing, i was missing, to be unhappy.For that, i hope everyone must be experiencing  the experience of going wherever and doing whatever you feel like,which we generally know by the name FREEDOM ,because if one tries to have a peek inside them,one will realize that it is the basic requirement one needs to be happy

But it was not the only thing i was missing out on,that has made me feel,this way ,It was because as a result of  it, had to be dependent on others for anything and everything.And the problem with that is, not many have the free will to do things for others,if they don't see any gain for themselves,and if they didn't, they are more likely to take that person for a ride"more often than not",for they have nothing to lose from it And don't think many saw any good from me,ever.The thing is...
   "Not many care much ,how you were with them before,
           all that matters is the present and how is the prospects,looking for you "
                                                         
Never really,felt the occurrence of being granted a life as a bless,YET.And retaining my memory,with the so many things missing in my life ,felt more a curse than a blessing. memory has been a thing that has been tormenting me,directly or indirectly,directly when every time i directly saw things i miss now and indirectly when it did the same, whenever i went into my thoughts

But if anyone has noticed,i have given prominence to the word 'YET'.Because when i say "this granted life" is not a blessing,yet.i just mean it is just the case now and not necessarily,forever.The confidence in the statement is due to the fact that,i just don't believe in miracles alone,doing the trick .The blend of hope,faith,belief and effort,gives me that confidence in proclaiming it

Because,even if "it" hasn't yet felt like a blessing these 4 and 1/2 years,It really didn't mean it will never be.Because HOPING it will turn out to be a blessing, always was and still  is something worth pursuing for,For i see freedom on the other side and there is nothing sweeter..HOPE,am granted the remaining part of  this MIRACLE and make this blessing,complete..:)

                                                             - the HEART SPEAKER